Anger and Grief

shutterstock_73227187I keep waking up at between 130 and 330 every morning and usually I can’t fall back asleep, at least not into a deep sleep. So, I looked up what organs are active during these times according to Traditional Chinese Medicine and the answers are liver (1-3 AM) and lung (3-5 AM). Liver, emotionally, is connected to anger and lungs to grief. Well, fuck, I am angry goddammit. I’m as mad a hell since I was forced to abandon my life in North Carolina and move to New Jersey so my wife could be close to her mother who apparently is dying (although she has been “dying” for 10 years now). I don’t like it here at all. I left New York City 12 years ago and thought I was done with this part of the country for good and yet here I am. I resent having to move here especially when my wife has a sister who lives with her mother and a brother who lives 35 minutes away and they both do nothing for her. Each act is perceived, by them, to be such an inconvenience and a nuisance and all they give is excuses why they can’t do this or that. Her sister doesn’t do anything with her mother, doesn’t take her anywhere except for food shopping and is out of the house almost 7 nights every week leaving a frail and afraid (her own words) old woman alone in the house. Her brother is a useless piece of shit who does even less than that and yet when he decides to show up he sits around like a fucking prince and expects to be waited on and bestow the sum of his knowledge on everyone (which isn’t that much to be honest).

This reminds me so much of my own “family” that robbed me of my childhood, threw heaps of responsibility on me that no 8, 9 or 10 year old should have to deal with, bullied me, isolated me, neglected me, ignored me treated me meanly and then expected me to just take all their bullshit even after I got older. Fuck you but no thanks. You want to be friends now? Too late, where were you when I needed you? You had no time for me then when the pain was so deep I wanted to kill myself so why should have time for you now? Oh, because YOU want it, YOU want it for your own purposes and even now you never ask how I’m doing, am I alright nothing–even now it is still only about trying t make me do what you want so you can feel good or something. Forget it. Sod off. Roll over and die because I couldn’t care less about any of you or your lives or your problems.

I’m angry that I’m alone, that my wife keeps making us move for her needs and I keep having to give up friends and jobs that I love to start over somewhere else. I’m tired and I’m weary and I have no one to talk to. No one right here that I sit across a table from and have a real conversation about the NHL playoffs or the state of the music industry or why I can’t seem to learn to play a simple E chord.

I grieve for my life and its many, many losses and I grieve for the opportunities I never took advantage of. I am angry and I grieve that I have had to do everything from the time I was small on my own with no help, guidance or assistance while other siblings were given all the help they wanted. Not me though, I had to figure everything out on my own then got ridiculed and abused when I made mistakes.

If I’d have had access to a gun way back then I’d have surely used it.

Even now somehow I’m just expected to “know” while others get a free pass. I’m tired of being the responsible one, the “good boy”, the smart one, doing it all on my own. I’m too old for this now and all I want is relief. ¬†Will it ever come?

angerandgrief

a miserable, resentful morning

it is a rainy, cold and miserable monday morning in december as i write this. i feel very resentful right now towards my wife and her family. i had a good job in raleigh, friends and a nice apartment. then, she decides she wants to move to the beach so i give up everything and we down to the beach and rent our friends condo. this didn’t last either as after about 6 months she didn’t like it there anymore and used her mother’s “ill health” to move us to new jersey, a place i never wanted to come to. her family is bitter, toxic, inconsiderate. all they do is complain about everything in the world even though their world is so limited that they have no idea how things really are. her sister broke the window in one of our cars by doing exactly what we told her 5 times not to do. it cost us 150.00 to get it fixed and she never once made even a half-hearted offer to pay for any part of the repairs. i don’t even think she apologized. they have no idea what we gave up and had to do in order to move up here FOR THEM and they show no appreciation and make no accommodation for us. everything is all about them and their routine despite the fact that we are forced to stay in their house right now. they change not one thing and we are forced to change everything and work around them. so now she has a good job and she has her precious mommy and i am miserable. does that mean we can leave here, of course not.

 

Woke up angry today

i am angry today. i’m allowed to be angry, to feel anger and i acknowledge that anger today. i know this won’t solve anything and this type of anger will not be used as a creative force yet still, there it is right at the surface.

why am i angry today? several reasons including my current living situation and the selfish, rigid, almost tyrannical people i have to stay with, the fact that my wife was in tears this morning because of the seemingly endless wait to get a closing date so we can move into our own house, the fact that i contributed to these delays by leaving my dead-end job before we had secured my own place and the fact that my wife’s family is just as bad as my own family (ties to which i cut many years ago). I’m angry that employers want as many as 5 references and their email addresses before they’ll even interview you. Really, who maintains this kind of information on co-workers. who even emails anymore?

i’m angry that all my stuff is in boxes for almost two years now and i don’t even remember where anything is or even what i have in those boxes, i’m angry that my life is on hold right now, i’m angry that i have to sleep on a blow-up bed on the floor in the dining room while my cunt of a sister-in-law (who has her own room¬†) has never once even offered to let us have her bed for even one night. I’m angry that i had to spend 500.00 for a hotel for a few nights just so i could get away from them and sleep in a real bed.

Once i leave that place they’ll almost never see me again and that’s just fine with me.

 

Moving on…..