Anger and Grief

shutterstock_73227187I keep waking up at between 130 and 330 every morning and usually I can’t fall back asleep, at least not into a deep sleep. So, I looked up what organs are active during these times according to Traditional Chinese Medicine and the answers are liver (1-3 AM) and lung (3-5 AM). Liver, emotionally, is connected to anger and lungs to grief. Well, fuck, I am angry goddammit. I’m as mad a hell since I was forced to abandon my life in North Carolina and move to New Jersey so my wife could be close to her mother who apparently is dying (although she has been “dying” for 10 years now). I don’t like it here at all. I left New York City 12 years ago and thought I was done with this part of the country for good and yet here I am. I resent having to move here especially when my wife has a sister who lives with her mother and a brother who lives 35 minutes away and they both do nothing for her. Each act is perceived, by them, to be such an inconvenience and a nuisance and all they give is excuses why they can’t do this or that. Her sister doesn’t do anything with her mother, doesn’t take her anywhere except for food shopping and is out of the house almost 7 nights every week leaving a frail and afraid (her own words) old woman alone in the house. Her brother is a useless piece of shit who does even less than that and yet when he decides to show up he sits around like a fucking prince and expects to be waited on and bestow the sum of his knowledge on everyone (which isn’t that much to be honest).

This reminds me so much of my own “family” that robbed me of my childhood, threw heaps of responsibility on me that no 8, 9 or 10 year old should have to deal with, bullied me, isolated me, neglected me, ignored me treated me meanly and then expected me to just take all their bullshit even after I got older. Fuck you but no thanks. You want to be friends now? Too late, where were you when I needed you? You had no time for me then when the pain was so deep I wanted to kill myself so why should have time for you now? Oh, because YOU want it, YOU want it for your own purposes and even now you never ask how I’m doing, am I alright nothing–even now it is still only about trying t make me do what you want so you can feel good or something. Forget it. Sod off. Roll over and die because I couldn’t care less about any of you or your lives or your problems.

I’m angry that I’m alone, that my wife keeps making us move for her needs and I keep having to give up friends and jobs that I love to start over somewhere else. I’m tired and I’m weary and I have no one to talk to. No one right here that I sit across a table from and have a real conversation about the NHL playoffs or the state of the music industry or why I can’t seem to learn to play a simple E chord.

I grieve for my life and its many, many losses and I grieve for the opportunities I never took advantage of. I am angry and I grieve that I have had to do everything from the time I was small on my own with no help, guidance or assistance while other siblings were given all the help they wanted. Not me though, I had to figure everything out on my own then got ridiculed and abused when I made mistakes.

If I’d have had access to a gun way back then I’d have surely used it.

Even now somehow I’m just expected to “know” while others get a free pass. I’m tired of being the responsible one, the “good boy”, the smart one, doing it all on my own. I’m too old for this now and all I want is relief. ¬†Will it ever come?

angerandgrief

strong as a wet noodle

i feel weak, vulnerable. seems i am never operating from a position of strength.

dependent, indecisive i allow others to dictate my choices, my path

noodle-on-the-wall

then BAM revolt when i don’t like the “choice” that has been made for me

afraid of speaking my mind, of saying what i really feel

afraid of you being mad at me, not liking me as if that really matters

alone on my island, swallowed up the sea

do i really have to please you and in the process lose me?

lost

wtflife

 

i have no direction in my life. no hobbies, no social groups, no support groups, nobody to call when i’m feeling depressed. The things i used to use to ward off the demons–food, alcohol, sex, drugs, cutting–just don’t work anymore. in fact they have the opposite effect now and i most often feel worse than i did before.

i’ve spent a lot of time in my life running away and avoiding relationships due to all the pain and hurt that has come my way. now i regret it as i feel truly alone.

online connections and social media are no substitute for a real human being to talk to.