my parents did one thing thoroughly in my bringing up and that was to instill deeply into me every kind of fear and pessimism and doubt that they could. It worked too because I am forever doubting myself and my worth and always looking on the dark side of things, waiting for the other shoe to drop as they say.

so much energy and time and effort wasted in my life worrying about nothing, preparing for things that were never going to happen no matter what I did. how many jobs i left because i was sure i was about to get fired anyway.

all that for nothing.

being different

i wonder sometimes why i can’t/won’t/don’t just be like everyone else. they all seem so happy and content with watching tv, talking all the time, collecting dvds, playing on line games and generally “putting it all out there”.

i find all that stuff unfulfilling and unsatisfying. the constant drone of tv announcers, game shows and talk shows (never mind the inane commercials) just grates on my nerves. modern music is the same–most of it is electronic or overly processed with auto-tune or other computer technology and it basically all sounds the same.

i wish i could just be one of the crowd at timers, it seems so much easier to not constantly be bucking the system. i get tired of having to explain myself or worse isolate myself because i’ve no interest in the current fad that everyone is pushing.