I started a new job last week, exciting right? Well, not so much. I work as a nurse’s aide and this job is in a local hospital (previously I’d always worked in nursing homes and that was in a different state from where I’m living now). After three days of training I don’t like it even though working in a hospital was a goal and I thought I’d be able to stay there for many years. The workload and pace is double what I’m used to, the expectations and responsibilities are so much higher and the 12-hour shifts absolutely suck.
Everyone there keeps saying “you’ll get it, you’ll catch on” and I’m not sure I really want to catch on and work myself into exhaustion. On top of that my overly developed sense of responsibility is kicking in and I feel like I’m letting everyone down if I decide to leave. All that is doing is creating guilt and anxiety in me which is in turn fueling my depression and feelings of inadequacy. Part of me thinks that I’m becoming unemployable.
The thing is the job is not stimulating in any way and it is also not at all what I thought it would be. My unit is called the wound care unit and I thought all the patients there would be being treated for various wounds they might have. Not so as they get any and all patients from the ER that have to be admitted–elderl;y, homeless, the mentally challenged, people detoxing from drugs and/or alcohol, hospice patients and patients with MRSA and other isolation necessary conditions. Honestly, I fucking hate it there.
I need to get perfectly clear on what type of job I want first and I mean crystal clear down to the last detail. Then I can make it happen. Until then–unemployment for me again.
i have no direction in my life. no hobbies, no social groups, no support groups, nobody to call when i’m feeling depressed. The things i used to use to ward off the demons–food, alcohol, sex, drugs, cutting–just don’t work anymore. in fact they have the opposite effect now and i most often feel worse than i did before.
i’ve spent a lot of time in my life running away and avoiding relationships due to all the pain and hurt that has come my way. now i regret it as i feel truly alone.
online connections and social media are no substitute for a real human being to talk to.
I pick up the fork and bring it to my lips. I’m killing myself, I know, yet I don’t stop. I heave a heavy sigh and with a mixture of disgust and self loathing I shove it in. Then another and another and another. My stomach roars its disapproval. I pretend I don’t hear it.
I like birds. I like taking pictures. Here’s two pictures of birds. Enjoy!
I’ve been looking at your pictures again, the ones you sent me recently and the ones from years ago. I stare at you and I stare at us and I wonder why you have such a hold on me, why I fall in love with you every time I see you.
I think about us and what might have been if only you’d have talked to me more, told me what your real feelings were, told me what was going on. Instead you shut me out, suddenly, cut me off from you in every way. No explanation ever given and still I carry that torch knowing that “we” will never, ever be and likely could have never been anyway.
I don’t forget what it is like to kiss you, to hold you, to be with you. Maybe I ought to.
Has anyone else ever had to deal with the foul, vile, pathetic sub-human species known as ‘underwriters’?
These hateful little creatures secret themselves away in dark, dank holes like the putrid rats that they are and decide whether or not you get your loan. Imagine that!
No one knows who they are and no one can talk to them (and I can not imagine anyone would want to do either). They like it this way these fetid, odious beings for then they have no accountability for their inane and cowardly proclamations. Despite their secrecy I have managed to secure an artist’s rendering of what they must look like:
You would think that time was their only means of sustenance the way they cause lengthy and needless delays. They do it though because no one can stop them and it gives them a nefarious, villainous and vicious pleasure.
Petty, power hungry and mad with self-importance they are and if you ever have to deal with one, Beware! for they’ll steal your very soul if you let them.
into the red zone
where’s my relief valve?
i want to hit something
break it to smithereens
stomp someone into the ground
not going to happen
it’s just me now with my feelings
and my pressure
and my pain
quite alone, quite alone