no direction

i’m so depressed right now. i don’t like where i’m living, the weather has been for months and months cold, gray and rainy, i don’t know what i want to do for work and the jobs i have gotten i just don’t like. i’m not inclined anymore to force myself to go to a job that doesn’t fulfill me in any positive way. i’m lost, rudderless, regretting i ever came here. my mind is so scattered it is hard to think clearly about anything. how do you make life decisions when you can’t even decide on what you want to eat on any given day?

i feel confused, abandoned by whatever force it is that runs the universe, utterly alone.

 

my page, my rants

sometimes i look at the stuff i have and feel stupid for having them.

i get very bored with same self-help quotes being recycled ad nauseum everywhere.  doesn’t anyone have anything original to say?

when did everyday of the year become “international something day”, or “World blah blah blah day”? Really, it’s frustrating and confusing and in the end these days mean nothing.

i’m certain that the vast majority of twitter accounts are not real people at all and the rest are only trying to get you to buy something.

facebook is a complete waste of time and i only use my account because bands i follow insist on posting only there.

my opinion, FWIW,  is that social media is contributing the the mental health issues facing the world today.

 

 

 

who care what i write here, nobody is reading it anyway

when you know nobody is reading it becomes easy to write what you really feel.

So then, is this what life comes down to: working a job you hate with co-workers who ignore you (especially if you dare to challenge their precious status quo) only to come home to sit your fat ass down until it’s time to do it all again the next day. Occasionally you go and do something but for the most part it is deadly routine. How I hate it.

I am a modern day Ivan Ilyich wondering if I have lived my whole life wrong. And I suspect I have.

Anger and Grief

shutterstock_73227187I keep waking up at between 130 and 330 every morning and usually I can’t fall back asleep, at least not into a deep sleep. So, I looked up what organs are active during these times according to Traditional Chinese Medicine and the answers are liver (1-3 AM) and lung (3-5 AM). Liver, emotionally, is connected to anger and lungs to grief. Well, fuck, I am angry goddammit. I’m as mad a hell since I was forced to abandon my life in North Carolina and move to New Jersey so my wife could be close to her mother who apparently is dying (although she has been “dying” for 10 years now). I don’t like it here at all. I left New York City 12 years ago and thought I was done with this part of the country for good and yet here I am. I resent having to move here especially when my wife has a sister who lives with her mother and a brother who lives 35 minutes away and they both do nothing for her. Each act is perceived, by them, to be such an inconvenience and a nuisance and all they give is excuses why they can’t do this or that. Her sister doesn’t do anything with her mother, doesn’t take her anywhere except for food shopping and is out of the house almost 7 nights every week leaving a frail and afraid (her own words) old woman alone in the house. Her brother is a useless piece of shit who does even less than that and yet when he decides to show up he sits around like a fucking prince and expects to be waited on and bestow the sum of his knowledge on everyone (which isn’t that much to be honest).

This reminds me so much of my own “family” that robbed me of my childhood, threw heaps of responsibility on me that no 8, 9 or 10 year old should have to deal with, bullied me, isolated me, neglected me, ignored me treated me meanly and then expected me to just take all their bullshit even after I got older. Fuck you but no thanks. You want to be friends now? Too late, where were you when I needed you? You had no time for me then when the pain was so deep I wanted to kill myself so why should have time for you now? Oh, because YOU want it, YOU want it for your own purposes and even now you never ask how I’m doing, am I alright nothing–even now it is still only about trying t make me do what you want so you can feel good or something. Forget it. Sod off. Roll over and die because I couldn’t care less about any of you or your lives or your problems.

I’m angry that I’m alone, that my wife keeps making us move for her needs and I keep having to give up friends and jobs that I love to start over somewhere else. I’m tired and I’m weary and I have no one to talk to. No one right here that I sit across a table from and have a real conversation about the NHL playoffs or the state of the music industry or why I can’t seem to learn to play a simple E chord.

I grieve for my life and its many, many losses and I grieve for the opportunities I never took advantage of. I am angry and I grieve that I have had to do everything from the time I was small on my own with no help, guidance or assistance while other siblings were given all the help they wanted. Not me though, I had to figure everything out on my own then got ridiculed and abused when I made mistakes.

If I’d have had access to a gun way back then I’d have surely used it.

Even now somehow I’m just expected to “know” while others get a free pass. I’m tired of being the responsible one, the “good boy”, the smart one, doing it all on my own. I’m too old for this now and all I want is relief.  Will it ever come?

angerandgrief

strong as a wet noodle

i feel weak, vulnerable. seems i am never operating from a position of strength.

dependent, indecisive i allow others to dictate my choices, my path

noodle-on-the-wall

then BAM revolt when i don’t like the “choice” that has been made for me

afraid of speaking my mind, of saying what i really feel

afraid of you being mad at me, not liking me as if that really matters

alone on my island, swallowed up the sea

do i really have to please you and in the process lose me?

Stuck

I’m stuck where I am

repeating the same mistakes

over and over and over again

success is sabotaged through my own actions

and always I wonder why me? why did I do it?

Now here I am

painted into a corner

afraid, depressed, and alone

Catharsis

catharsis-intro

Before I even start allow me to say that I know what a piece of shit I look like in this story. I accept it 100% because I did it and I am a piece of shit for doing it. I’m writing this more as therapy for myself than anything else.

In late 2011 I was working in a health care facility outside of Raleigh, NC. My wife had also worked there on the floor before moving into a clerical role in the therapy office. Everyday I worked I would see people I knew who would always ask about my wife–how is she, she’s so nice etc. and most of the time they would not even say hello to me or ask how I was or any of that, just ask about my wife. This went on for months and resentment started to build. I mentioned this to my wife a few times and all she said basically was “what can I do about it?”. Admittedly, in hindsight, nothing yet at the time I felt ignored and hurt that people I had been working with for a long time were not even acknowledging my presence. All the old feelings began to get dredged up, I got depressed and I did nothing to stem the tide except pull away from my wife physically and emotionally.

Then–

My work partner decided to leave the floor and take an administrative job, which is fine except that she told everybody except me and I only found out (through the grapevine) the day before her last day. This did not help my mental state at all as I again felt slighted. The other thing I found out through the grapevine was that management intended on replacing her with a cafeteria worker who had literally just obtained her license. I confronted the supervisor and she just stumbled over her words in trying to neither confirm or deny which of course confirmed what I had been told. I had a busy unit and there would only be two of us and I certainly didn’t want someone who had no experience. What I did next would change my life (melodramatic I know yet it really did).

I had heard that a woman who used to work at my facility was coming back to work after moving back into the area. I hadn’t met her yet everyone said how nice she was. So, rather than accept the rookie I walked over to the unit where she was working and asked her if she wanted to come and work with me on my unit. She agreed as it was a permanent slot so she wouldn’t have to float anymore and I told her to go to the manager right away and request that open position. She did and she got it (which shows I guess how weak the manager was, to cave in so fast–but anyway…)

She was nice like everyone said, a bit snarky but not mean. We got along great and I found her easy to work with and easy to talk to. Very easy to talk to and we did talk about everything. We grew close as work friends. I can still remember when that all changed even though I wish I couldn’t. We were in a patient’s room, changing an oxygen tank I think, she left first and I followed. I turned back to close the door and when I turned back around she had stopped in the hallway and kinda stuck her bottom out a bit. I stopped short and ended up with my hands on her hips and pressed against her butt. It only lasted a second then she moved away. She said later she did it on purpose to see how I’d react.

OK, so at this point it was all still good, I mean I hadn’t done anything or even looked for anything. It was later, at a meeting, that I made my first mistake. I gave her my phone number and told her she could text me anytime. She was a little surprised at this (she knew I was married) and I assured her it would be alright. Mistake #1.

She did text me, a lot, and I texted her right back. Not a smart move move on my part I know, I guess I liked the attention. Still though nothing happened, just talk and not even romantic or sexual talk. Then one night my wife was out late with her friends and I texted my new friend and asked her out to dinner and she readily agreed. Mistake #2. I picked her up and we had a nice dinner then I drove her home. She told me to park in the driveway next to her house and no one was living there at the time. We talked some more then it got quiet, the kind of quiet it gets right before something is about to happen. She said “I don’t like goodbyes” and as soon as she finished I leaned over and kissed her. It was a long, deep kiss hat lasted for a long time (or so it seemed). MISTAKE #3, 3 strikes and yer out, right?

What followed was months of kissing and fondling, mostly at work which is really fucking bizarre and a few more dates. I even started picking her up each morning and driving her home after work. We would spend an hour or so in front of her house just talking. It was pretty intense for a while. The only thing is we never had any kind of sex. We never got naked and made love, no oral sex, nothing and yes I know I was still cheating and I’m a scumbag and all that but AT LEAST we never fucked each other.

I was ready to leave my wife for her and had even told my wife I wanted to separate and started looking for an apartment when, BAM, it was over. One day she just stopped talking to me, stopped texting or answering my texts and of course stopped everything else. She even slammed a door right in my face. No explanation, nothing. It got real weird and soon after I left my job (which I didn’t really want to do).

That was almost 5 years ago and I’m still allowing my fuck-up to cloud everything. Guilt, depression etc. I think my wife suspected something and we did have problems that we worked out but it is not the same as it was. Of course, how could it be. All my fault. 100% I just don’t know how to move forward. I’m stuck and it has definitely affected me (I know, who cares, I deserve whatever I get. Yes, I agree–punish me, I do deserve it. I’m punishing myself more than any one else ever could).

I have never told this whole story to anyone before. I tried a few times only to be rebuked and judged by people who have done the same thing and usually more than once. So much for “friends”.

If you’ve made it this far I thank you for reading.